10 reasons why gin is better than sex


Last night I was watching Sex and the City (the first film) when the queen of Tory gay Twitter tweeted this important question about the meaning of life: is gin better than sex?
Being, allegedly, a Catholic It Girl, I think I should take some time out of writing about the Milo Yannopoulos of the 1710s to settle the matter, at least for the younger aspiring Catholic It Girls.

Reason 1: if you’re single, you can have some of it without adding to your (already too long, thank you very much) confession list. 
It’s only when you really exaggerate and get really drunk that you have a problem with gin and the Boss from somewhere that someone must have written about in a “XYZ: How not to be a heretic” book. Since you are, obviously, one of those cultured and elegant people who can appreciate the subtleties of the botanicals and know that not every mixer suits every bland so King’s Landing forbid you never order a blanket G&T unless you are politely putting up with someone buying you one and you’d never impose unless they ask you what gin you’d prefer (in which case, they’re a keeper), there is no risk of ever drinking enough gin to be in trouble.

Reason 2: you don’t really need skills to make an acceptable gin-based drink.
If you’ve ever watched SATC, or heard of it, you will know that they have literally written a decade worth of episodes based on how difficult relationships are, including finding someone compatible in the bedchamber as it’s one of the markers of a good relationship now that women are no longer expected to just lie back and think of England. He that has never drunk a G&T made with Beefeater, let him cast the first stone…

Reason 3: there are safer ways to release oxytocin in your life than something that risks making you fall in love with an undeserving person that will break your heart.
They are: hugging someone, giving money away, shooting guns, taking a walk, laughing, deep breathing, eating foods high in oxytocin, listening to soothing music, calling someone, connecting with an old friend (source). I would advise against mixing gin and guns but everything else is something that can be paired with it. Also, not all sex results in releasing oxytocin.

Reason 4: Gin doesn’t give you an STI.
Remember Charlie Sheen? The guy who knew is HIV-positive and had unprotected sex…twice? Gin would never do that.

Reason 5: Gin doesn’t get you pregnant. 
Contraceptive failure is a real thing and, to make things worse, way too many people still think coitus interruptus is a contraceptive method. You can finish your gin without fear.

Reason 6: Gin isn’t a messy affair that involves yours and other people’s bodily fluids. 
Gin is something squeamish people like yours truly can enjoy, too.

Reason 7: Too many people say they need to drink for the confidence to have sex.
That means some people need gin to have sex. Mind-blowing, eh.

Reason 8: You can share your bottle with your friends without jealousy.
If you can’t, you may have a problem. Jealousy for a partner is a human trait that makes Sartre and De Beauvoir appear really weird and controversial.

Reason 9: It’s a great present for others, as a token when going to parties etc
Can you imagine showing up to a house party wearing just a trench coat and heels? The amount of people you would make happy is limited to the amount of people that find you sexually attractive. If you bring gin, those who won’t be happy will be few.

Reason 10: it’s the perfect drink to accompany pillow talk, as it’s a perfect drink to accompany every activity that isn’t dangerous (see previous point about guns. Or driving. Etc.) 
What do Francis Scott Fitzgerald, Ernst Hemingway and Tennessee Williams have in common? They were gin-drinking authors. If writing is a bit like having sex (but that’s a topic for another day), then gin could successfully accompany the latter, too. And if you’re not giving up gin when having sex then what does it says, really?

You can’t in good conscience say Catholics girl don’t know how to enjoy themselves.

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