Review: Burn Your Fat With Me (Part 1)

Girls exercising

“Burn your fat with me” is a Japanese app that is basically otome meets fitness. What could possibly go wrong? Spoiler alert: a lot. I downloaded the app and opened the prologue: the love interest slash fitness coach is the love child of Tristan Dugray and Hyogo Kaga. You start out by hating his guts for being a jerk (the Vogue review of the app concluded that anger is a great motivator). The whole idea is the standard otome tsundere trope where the guy becomes nicer as he likes you more. I’d like to say it’s not a great idea, but Eisuke Ichinomiya has won the Love365 Election again, by a margin that nobody could bridge. The target audience sure likes that type. I, for one, would spend good money on an HLITF training app where you run sprints against Prince Subaru, do martial arts with Soma, and get your head patted by Goto for being a good girl and sticking to the training plan, with the option of choosing the three meanies as coaches instead. I’d take a full army Bootcamp over this teen demon…heck, I’d take Kaga as my lawfully wedded husband over him. I never thought I’d see the day…

I’m 1 minute in, and already want to punch the trashbag (scrap the wedding part, I am Kaga). He asked MC, whom I regret naming after me, what she ate for breakfast. She said a light breakfast, and he bullied her for two helpings of eggs and bacon. I had a soggy bowl of cornflakes I could barely stomach eating in full but, OK. But, apparently, her acting isn’t half bad despite her looks. Wow.

By this point in the prologue, even Kaga looks like a great boyfriend, so the teen demon is now Ieyasu Tokugawa (SLBP version). Although the next thing he says makes even that sadist look nice. It’s not like I want the level of princely fluff she just imagined, just…like…you know, affectionate teasing and bullying are not the same thing. He makes early route Takado look like the boss of the year. And, speaking of everyone’s favourite doctors, I’d like to have a word with whoever wrote the line about losing weight being easy because, maybe for guys, but have you heard about female hormones?  They’re not just there so all the nurses in Semei UH can bed Dr Hosho (am I deliberately filling this post with Voltage references, or am I just that boring all my references are Voltage-related?).
Anyway, the lengthy prologue ends with a motivational speech about discipline and the like, and then you are thrown into a sit-up session without any knowledge of how long you’re expected to do it for. I’m still in bed, and would have been mad if I had to read that prologue while sitting on a mat in the cold (as if I am not mad anyway, oh well). Maybe keeping training limited to the training mode is a good idea. Anyway, I am not opposed to doing a bunch of situps. I have a mesomorph body, so I build muscle relatively easily and store fat evenly distributed, but I never really exercise the core so I can go out in public in yoga pants, but need shapewear for a bodycon dress. In a hypothetical world where I don’t dress like a tradwyfe™, of course, wink wink. I will put on some gym clothes and get out my yoga mat and be back, even though I’d rather just dance around the flat to Non-Fiction on repeat (see? I can make references that aren’t related to Voltage). 
After admiring my boobs in a sports bra to pump up the body positivity, I put my hair up in a high ponytail that makes me look like Shingen Takeda in SLBP, so now I can’t help but superimposing him going all “Go tigress. You’re amazing. You can do this” over the teenage demon. Voltage are sitting on a goldmine for motivational content (like Soryu as life coach telling me to go back to work). I may call myself fattie because I’m my worst enemy, but I’m happier to respond to being called tigress. Roar. 
Speaking of 16th century historical figures, it’s ironic that the current collection event in Ikemen Sengoku is a workout-themed one. Yoga with Yoshimoto? Sign me up. Even fencing with Kenshin is a more appealing prospect than sit-ups with the teenage demon. Alas, Cybird have also not entered the market for fitness apps despite its potential. Is there a copyright issue of some sort? If not, why? Anyway, the first exercise was 5 sit-ups in the end. Keeping my phone in my hands was weird but, since I have gone to the trouble of getting dressed for this and my recommended not so much for lunch won’t be ready yet, I am switching to training mode to get a bit more done. 
Speaking of lunch, the MC kills me.

A “famous last word” if ever there was one, at least since Shinonome’s MS1. Which should have never existed because we know Goto is the MC’s OTP and so did he, clearly, but I digress. Training has two options, one timed where you get points to continue the story, and one freewheeling. As the completionist I am, I had to pick timed. The recommended setting is 10 reps in 120 seconds. A bit of a jump from the previous one but ok, Shingen says “let’s do this, tigress”. I hate how the mixture of my shorts’ low waist and lace underwear feels on my back, perhaps a leotard like the MC and my teenage self is not a bad idea. I did a second set of repetitions, 10 in less than 60 seconds, since I had 1 min to go on my cooking timer and I took like 30 seconds max to do them in the first place. The teenage demon said I may become a beauty if I lose a little weight, but it doesn’t feel much like motivation to me. The fact I have bothered to make space for the yoga mat would be, if I wasn’t hungry since, unlike MC, I didn’t eat a huge breakfast. I have now unlocked episode 1 though, so it seems like a good time to stop. To be continued…

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